It's ok not to be ok

Over the past few weeks maybe months even I'm not really sure, I have found life incredibly hard. I feel like i'm distanced from the world. I could be sitting there right in the middle of a crowd of people and feel alone. This is the first time I have ever written anything about how I feel and to be honest it feels easy and scary at the same time if that is completely possible. I am constantly tired, I just seem to have very low energy and over the past few weeks it has become incredibly hard to get a good quality nights sleep. Those of you that know me will know I have struggled with bad health in the past which seemed to have settled down and was all going well. I am currently awaiting test results and maybe that is playing on my mind I don't really know but this tiredness is something else. I have experienced fatigue in the past during treatment and it almost feels that bad but without the treatment. I can't explain it. 

The past few weeks have been emotionally draining and I feel very low. I have become so used to playing up to this persona that I don't even know who I am anymore. I found myself crying today as I was very very low and felt very alone in a big world. I have the utmost respect for those who suffer with mental health issues because to be honest this little spate of feeling low is enough for me. Hats of to those who deal with these issues every day. I find myself angry at myself for feeling this way and I am taking it out on those around me. Constantly bickering and then I'm just angrier at myself. 

Yesterday I felt so low. I went to get my hair done as I was finished early, all was great in the world. I walked into the walk in hair dressers to be greeted by a child who said you're so BIG. If I ever wanted a reality check well there it was in spades. I have always struggled with my weight since I was in my teens. It wasn't until 3 years ago I really got a hold on it. I was following a strict plan and was always exercising whether it be a boot camp class or running. I lost just over 4 stone but then it plateaued. Now my weight is something which has been playing on my mind the past few weeks. I seem to be stuck in a rut at the moment. I just want comfort food all the time. I really am a comfort eater and if i dont feel good I eat and then i feel worse so I eat more. Its a viscous circle and for me its one that stems from my mind. I completed a Colour Run last week now i was just happy I completed it as I had not done any training really. 

So that was my transformation back 3 years ago. Yesterday it felt as if that was a world away. I was happy in myself back then, whereas now I'm not. I've no one to blame but myself, there is no excuses. 

This was a few weeks back. It may look like I'm not. I don't know when was the last time I was truly happy in myself. I have put back on about a stone out of the 4 i lost. I need to get my ass back into gear. In order for me to get to that place I need to address the low I am currently feeling. This is all my issues but by writing this post it is helping me to put down in words how I feel, or at least try to explain it all. Life really is so short and I know first hand how it feels to be experience that life may change in an instant. I guess i really wanted to write this post to show the world that everyone is always fighting a battle that no one knows about. Be nice to people because sometimes, comments and regards are so hurtful. Think before you speak. As for me I'll be grand simply because I have to be. 

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